It's not as serious as death, but it feels a whole lot like it, and as I've come to learn, pain is pain any way you slice it.” ― Chelsea Handler, “My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting.He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.” ― Chelsea Handler, “I rolled over and picked up Us Weekly magazine off the floor.Below, are what we consider the most hilariously honest quotes she’s ever said: Related comedians: George Carlin, Ellen Degeneres “My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.” – Chelsea Handler“Have you ever experienced a pain so sharp in your heart that it’s all you can do to take a breath?It’s a pain you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy; you wouldn’t want to pass it on to anyone else for fear he or she might not be able to bear it. “The problem is that everyone who gets married seems to think that they are the first person in the entire universe to do it and that the year leading up to the event revolves entirely around them. Her new book "Chelsea, Chelsea, Bang Bang." We have the book right here in our hands. HANDLER: It was one of the ridiculous highlights of my career. KING: Is that one of the highlights of your career? HANDLER: Yeah, we interviewed -- you had me go and do a tour of Candy Spelling's mansion.
So to celebrate her awesomeness (and maybe just fan-girl for a while), here are our top 10 pick for the most epically funny quotes that Handler has made on men, love and everything in between: "I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. , isn’t coming out until later next year – it’s sure to be a hit as well. Her brand of humor is obnoxious, no bullsh**/no shame, and has the self-deprecating quality comes naturally from being a Jewish girl who grew up in New Jersey.After years of doing stand-up, and starring on her late night talk show on E! The bouncer.” ― Chelsea Handler, “Are you there vodka? Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.” ― Chelsea Handler, “Have you ever experienced a pain so sharp in your heart that it's all you can do to take a breath? I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.” ― Chelsea Handler “My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. KING: You were with us once, but not here, you were at the Spelling mansion?